Turning 40…

My darling Shea,

I missed your birthday by a few minutes, but my day was filled with nothing but thoughts of you. A I did not know what to write as I have been so sad today because you are not here. But I wish we could have shared your 40th birthday together.

Every minute of your birth 40 years ago is still so clear in my mind. I remember the first time I saw you and I cannot begin to share the joy I felt in looking at you, so tiny, so beautiful, and mine. How could I have created someone so perfect as you?

So many thoughts have raced through my mind today. I am sorry you never experienced having your own family, a husband, a child, and all the things a mother wants for her daughter. For reasons I will never understand, these things were not meant to be for you. It breaks my heart for I know how much you wanted it all. God’s plan for you was not what I wanted, and finding that acceptance will always be hard.

I think of all the disappointments in your life and how strong you were in accepting them. You continued to smile at the most simple things in life and felt great love and joy for others who had the things you could not have. It was always so easy for you to share what you did have and always with an open heart. So many times you were hurt, but you still felt great love and compassion.

My darling girl, I think you were truly an Angel on earth, with so much love to share even when your own world was falling apart. I remember your smiles every time I looked at you. I also saw the sadness in your eyes when your heart was broken. I don’t remember you ever saying a hurtful word against even those that had done you wrong. Your compassion for others amazed me even at a very young age. You seemed to have a way of looking into another’s soul and understand that we were not all perfect. You forgave when others would hate.

I remember you telling me that you would not always be with me, but to not be sad for God would take care of me. How could you have known this? It was not something I could have ever imagined. Looking back, I see now that you somehow knew your life would be short and you did not want me to be afraid. But I was always afraid of losing you.

I think I am beginning to see the glory in God’s plan. You are now whole, still young, always beautiful, and I know you hold a precious place in Heaven, a very special Angel, doing God’s work. I miss you with all of my heart, and cherish the years I was so blessed to have you in my life. We will meet again, of this I am certain. I look forward to seeing your smile again as we come together once again. I am always your mother and you will always be my child. It will be forever, as God has promised.

I see you in everything beautiful and good. I will always remember the love we shared with every breath I take. You are in my heart forever, my child.

Your mother always.

2 thoughts on “Turning 40…”

    1. Sean, I am so glad you found Shea’s site. I don’t know if you knew your sister died on October 19 2011. I didn’t know how to reach you. It seems I left a message on the only number I had.
      Shea would have wanted you to know how much she loved her “little” brothers. But, she never felt that love returned. It made her so sad to feel disconnected from your family and never be considered a part of it. Perhaps it had to do with your dad, I don’t know. I heard from him 8 months after she died. Shea had been trying to reach him for years.
      It is sad that as you grew older, you never got the chance to really know her. She was a wonderful, and loving person. I think you two would have been great friends and brother and sister. She always wanted it that way.
      I will call you and we can talk all this thru. Again, I am so happy to know you found her even though it is too late.

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