Christmas Day 2014

Merry Christmas, my precious child.

Shea, I thought of you every day during this most Holy of seasons. I remember how much you loved Christmas and missed the time we always spent together getting ready for the holidays. I miss how you always decorated the house and it would look so beautiful. You always had such good taste when it came to decorating. It was a talent you did not get from me, but I was always proud of you because every decoration had to be just so perfectly placed. I have not put up not even one decoration since you have been gone.

This year since moving back home around family, I have had to force myself to participate in the holidays. Being around everyone’s grand babies has been hard. I feel so alone without you and wanted you to have a normal life, married, and having children of your own. It made me so sad to see that you missed out on so much of life and were taken so young. You deserved better and if I could have given you that life, I would have done anything to see that you had it. I still ask God, why my child? Why not me? I would have gladly given God my life, to let you live. But I know I cannot bargain with God. This was His plan.

I know you were with me through the holidays, holding me up, protecting me from my own pain long enough to get through each day. But, that’s not how it should have been. I am your mother. My job was to protect you, and I could not do that. God’s will is so much stronger than even the love I feel for you.

You are my greatest accomplishment. I am thankful for our years together but I wanted more. I will always want more time with you in my life. There is a big hole in my heart that can only be filled by you. So, I count the days until we will be together again. It is then I will feel whole again. Until that day comes, I will have to survive with memories of our time together and pray you are with me in spirit.

I love you with all of my heart and miss you as if you left only yesterday. Time has stood still without you.

Your mother always

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